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A COJMEDX, 



IN TWO ACTS. 






AS PERFORMED Al THE 

new-yokk: A^\y DRuii lane/thea 



TRES 

/ 



MEW-YORK: j 
:printed and publishb^ at the 

Circulating Library and Dramatic Repository, 



NO. 4 CHAMBER-STkEET, 
U2^ 



? 



<>^C., r 



DRAMATib PEKSOx\^ 
DRURY-LANE. 



Mr. SimpsoR 


Mr Terry 


Bromley 


Cooper 


Foster, 


Willmott 


Servant, 


Honner 


Mrs Simpson, 


' -Mrs Qlover 


Bromley, 


^'vison 


Fitzallan, - 


W. ^-. 


idaraeia Trappc, 


Orger. 



SIMPSON & CO. 



ACT I.— SCENE I. 

^Handsome apartment in the House of Simpson fif Ce. 
Simpson discovered at a table^ writing. 

Simp, {laying down his pen.) Ought I to pur- 
306 this adyenture ? If I proceed, the destruc- 
tion of my wife's happiness, and ray own, raay— - 
psha t under my assumed name of Capt. Wal- 
singham, what have 1 to fear ? I'll finish my 
letter, though, like the others, it may be re- 
turned, or unnoticed. {Writes ) " And rely on 
the entire and eternal devotion of your adorer, 
Charles Walsingham, New Hummums." (Fo/rf- 
ing it) Charles Simpson, of Mincing-lane, mer- 
chant, partner in the house of Simpson & Co. 
and married, transformed into Captain Walsing- 
ham ! {directing the letter.) " To Mrs. Fitz- 
allan, Harley Street." {seals it.) There ! {rises 
and comes forward.) There's a fatality in this 
wild adventure ! Charmed by a beauty iu an 
opera box, 1 dog her carriage, and learn that 
she is a Mrs, Fitzallan, widow of an officer 
lately dead in India. Under pretext of arrang- 
ing some business for her, in which I find she 
is concerned with the India Company, I call on 
this Mrs. Fitzallan ; am cursed coldly received 
by Mrs. Fitzallan ; call again, and am com- 
pletely cut by Mrs. Fitzallan ; make my bow, 
and resolve to think no more of Mrs. Fitzallan ; 



4 srMPSON & CO. [Anon. 

stroll into the exhibition, and the first portrait I 
see is that of the iovely, lovely, Mrs. Fitzallan ! 
I contrive to get a miniature copy of the portrait 
and conceal it by a secret slide in my pocket- 
book. [Pulls out the pocket-booky and coniem- 
plates the portrait.) 'Twas rash ; but who could 
behold such beauty and — [Kissing the picture.) 

Enter Foster. 



Fos. Pray, sir, will yon- 



Si7n. Hastily closing his pocket-book.^ Well, 
Foster I (what now ? what's the matter ? 

Fos. Young Mr, Lovemore is in the counting- 
house, and desires to know, sir, whether you 
will advance him the thousand pounds he spoke 
to you about ? 

'Sifn. What ! I ! advance money to enable a 
married man to supply the extravagancies of a 
mistress ! 

Fos. You know, sir, we have consignments 
on bis account from his estates at St. Domingo 
to four limes that amount. 

Sim. That is nothins; to the point, Mr. Fos- 
ter. However, you may refer him lo my part- 
ner, Mr. Br mley ; he may find Aimless scru- 
pulous. [Exit Foster.'\ [Re -opening his packet- 
book.) What eyes! what a complexion! what 
expression ! Many a pocket-hook on 'Change is 
cramm'd with riches ; but where find one that 
clasps a treasure equal to this ! After all, am I 
very, very much to blame ? Where is the hus- 
band who My partner loves his wite dearly ; 

but spite of his demure looks, and rigorous 
principles, even he, I'll answer for it, has some 
little indiscretions that — here he comes — I'll 



ACT I.] SIMPSON & CO. 5 

sound him, and perhaps I may make him a use- 
ful confidaDt. 

Enter Bromley. 

Brom. Gaod news, Simpson, good news ; th« 
Bank has discounted every shilling of our paper. 

Sim. Aye, indeed 1 My dear Bromley, I am 
delighted to hear it. 

Brom. The firm of Simpson k Co. stands as 
high as any house in London, and our fcignature 
is a bank note to the very Bank itself. Have 
not I always told you that our partnership 
would be a fortune to us ? 

Sim. True, true ; and our connexion in com- 
merce is so natural ; why, we had a kind of 
rehearsal of our present partnership in very 
early days. At school, you know — though ihere^ 
to be sure, you had much the start of me in age, 
for you were in the highest form when 1 was 
in the lowest. 

Brom, Yes ; I left Doctor Thwackum's to be- 
gin my clerkship, just six months after you 
come to his academy. 

Sim. But, though only at Thwackum's to- 
gether for hdf a-year, you recollect, Bromley, 
how I made you join me in all my frolicks ; 
and now, in business 

Brom. In business, I grant you, our labour* 
and our profits are pretty equally divided. At 
school the case was different. I was never a 
frolicksome boy, and, as you say, considerably 
your elder ; but, somehow or other, whenever 
you opened an account of mischief, our master 
always drew upon my shoulderi for the unsettlei 
balance of drubbings. 

a2 



SIMPSON & CO. [Anon 

Sim. Well, in business, at least, we are more 
exact, and if we are ioriunate, we rno}' fairly 
boast that we deserve to bo. so. Attentive, 
industrious 

Biom. Always looking to the main chance. 

Sim. Domestic in our tastes. 

Brom. Economical i ; our habits. 

Sim. Neither of us run-abouts, nor raen of 
intrigue. 

Brom. Faithfully attached to our wives, and 
lovinii^ them solely and entirely, as they love us. 

Sim. Inhabiting the same house, in peace and 
harmony ; not tlie slightest altercation. 

Brom. Altercation ! your wife is mildness 
itself; so confiding, too, in your attachment to 
her. 

Sim. And your's ! 

Brom. My wife ? she is a treasure ! but? 
still for all that— 

Sim. For all what ? 

Brom. You know, Simpson, I have no secrets 
from you ; my wife is a little — Mrs. Bromley 
is rather too susceptibly on the score of jeal- 
ousy. 

Sim. To be plain with you, I have some- 
times fancied so ; now between ourselves, my 
dear fellow, have not you given her some cause 
to ! yes, yes, you have. 

Brom. What, I ? never. 

Sim. Now ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! Come, come, Brom- 
ley, 

Brom. (^mnth emphasis.) No — now — poz 

Sifu. Now I like your making a mystery of it 
to me. Men, you know, are not remaikably 



ACT I.] SIMPSON & CO. 7 

severe towards each other — besides, if you had, 
where would be the great harm of it ? 

Brom, A married man ! and ask roe where')* 
the harm oi it ? 

Sim. You love your wife I know, and stud}' 
her happiness ; but vou would not have mo. 
believe hat when a little ailventure happens to 
fall in yoar way 

Brom. Hearkee, Mr. Simpson, a good hus- 
band never 2;oes where little adventures are 
likely to fall in his way. 

Sim. {Aside.) 'Tis lucky I did not trust my 
secret to him. 

Brom. My notions of conjugal fidelity are strict- 
ly moral. A husband, like a merchant, is 
bound to fulfil his engagements. Mrs. B. in 
marrying me, drew upon me for my fidelity for 
life ; I accepted her draft, and 'tis my duty to 
honour it. 

Sim. But, unlike bills of exchange, the long- 
er the date of one's matrimonial engagements, 
the more difficult they are to provide for. But 
eno(i2;h ; I knew your sentiments as you are 
acquainted with mine, and all 1 have just now 
said to >ou 

Brom. Was intended as a hoax, perhaps ? 

Sim. Nothing more. 

Brom. 1 don't like such hoaxing — No, no ; 
what I was before marriage, 1 still am ; the 
sworn enemy to nonsense. I was born for the 
counting-house and a steady life ; and, even in 
my youHtfer days, whilst others were gadding 
about to Vauxhall, and p'ny-houses, and run- 
ning their heads into all manner of scrapes and 



8 SIMPSON k CO. [AnOD. 

troubles, I was usefully employed in working 
decimals and calculating exchanges. 

Sim. Ha ! ha ! ha ! PerhapsJ I never met 
you on a certain tine summer's evening taking a 
sentimental ramble along with ■ 

3ro. And what then ? She had but juat 
cotae up with n>e in the fields, and was asking 
me the way to Islington ; but didn't you step 
in, like a frit-nd', and whisk her away, assuring 
me you did it for my good .' But come, let us to 
the counting-house and answer our Lisbon let- 
ters. 

5m. And after that I'll treat you with a walk 
to the West End before dinner. 

Broni. Impossible ; I have business at the 
custom-house, and you must stay at home to 
deliver up the securities to Mr. Tradely, who 
w ill call this morning, as per appointment. You 
may as well take them at once ; here they are. 
[Gives papers to Simpson.] 

Siai. Very well ; Mr. Tradely's securities ; 
there they are, safe, 'til he calls. [Puts them m- 
t4) his pocket-book.] 

Bro. By the bye, your treat with a walk to 
the West End, is to drag me all the way front 
Mincing-lane to Harley-street. 

Sim. (Alanned.) VV hat do you mean ? {Aside) 
Can he have discovered ? 

Era. Do you remember some weeks ago, 
how you kept me blowing my fingers, in the 
cutting East wind, at the end of March, tramp- 
ing up and down, before the iron rails of a 
house in Harley -street ? 

iiim. (Aside.) My first visit to Mrs. Filzallan 1 



ACT I.] SIMPSON k GO. 9 

Brom. " Wait at the door, my dear Bromley, 
I shan't be a second." My nose was as blue as 
an Oran Oatang's. 

Sim. Well, well, I didn't detain you long. 

Bro. Long! and the second time! There 
was I fretting, and trotting backwards and for- 
wards, looking up at the windows, down into the 
area, watching every moment at the street door, 
freezing, shivering, swearing ; what the deuce 
have \ ou to do in f larley-street ? 

Sim. Oh ! oh ! — The recovery of a little 
debt due to me before we entered into partner- 
ship. 

Bro. Do you expect to lose any thing in 
that quarter ? 

Sim. No — not exactly ; but I may wait a 
long; time before my demands are satisfied. 

Bro. Aye, \ understand — *" Call again to- 
morrow." Weil, I wish you success ; but if 
ever you entrap me with you to Harley-street 
again — Ha ! here comes your wife. 

Enter Mrs. Simpson. 

Sim. Returned so soon, my love ? 

Mrs. S. I've just met with an agreeable sur- 
prise, Charles. You've often heard me speak 
of my old school friend, Marianne. 

Sim. Well? 

Mrs S. Shortly after my leaving school, 
she returned to her family in Somersetshire, 
and the last I heard of her was that she was 
gone to India. Imagine my pleasure, when, 
just now, on going into my milliner's, there \ 
met my dear Marianne. You may suppose. 



10 siMPSoff & CO. [AnoB. 

that after so long a separation, we had much to 
say to each other. 

Sirn. No doubt. 

Mrs. S. But there was such a crowd at the 
milliner's, we had little time to talk. 1 forgot, 
even to ask her where she lived. 

Sim. That was unlucky ; for how are you to 
meet again, in this wide world of London ? 

Mrs. S. Oh ! I took care of that, for I have 
engaged her to dine. 

Sim. That was right, my love ; whatever 
contribute^s to your pleasure, is agreeable to 
me. 

Mrs. S. You are too kind, too attentive to me, 
Charles. 

Sim. Aye. 

Mrs. S. I should be unjust were I to deny 
that I am the happiest woman in the world. 

Bro. Not so fast : one of the happiest, if 
you please ; for i flatter myself that Mrs. B. 
is equally so. 

Mrs. S. By the bye, you and Susan must be 
of the party. 

Bro. With great pleasure ; and, come 

as I am satisfied with our m"»rni!i ;'s business, 
gad ril stand treat to a box ui lae Opera fo^r 
the evening. 

Mrs. S. Hey-day, Mr. Bromley, you ! 

Bro Mrs. ^. last night dropt a hint that she 

should like to go, and as gallantry is my 

but, come, business before all : let's to the 
counting-house, Simpson. 

Sim. One kiss at parting, Anna ; I'll soon b* 
with you again. 



ACT I.] SIMPSON k QO. It 

Brom. Come, Simpson, come, what the 

deuce who thinks of parting kisses when 

once they are married. Come, business be- 
fore all. [Exeunt Bromley and Simpson. 
Mrs. S. Yes, 1 am indeed the happiest of 
wives. How few among my married acquaint- 
ance whose peace is undisturbed by discon- 
tents and bickerings — by jealousy too often well 
fouflded — how blest then, am 1, in the posses- 
sion of a man whose thoughts never wander from 
his own fire-side. 

Enter Mrs. Bromley. 
Good morning, my dear. Why, bless me, 
what ails you ? You seem out of spirits. 

Mrs. B. No — not I. It was late when you 
came home last night. 

Mrs. S. The concert was longer than usnal. 
Mrs. B. Ah ! me! While you and Simpson 
were amusing yourselves at a concert, I was 
moping alone in the chimney-corner. 

Mrs. S. And Mr. Bromley, was not he there 
to keep you company ? 

Mrs. B. No, he was busy all the evening in 
his counting-house. {Aside.) as he said. 

Mrs. S. Well, this evening will make 

amends to you for the last. 1 expect an old 

friend to dinner, you will dine with us, and 

afterwards we all go to the Opera. It is to 

tW ^^^^ ^^^*'^ '"^^ ^6 ^re indebted for this 

Mr:,. _ 
oblio-inff? ^'^ • ^y S^°^ ^'^^^® ^^^ *^ ^^U 

^rs. S. Nov^ ,^ . ^ ^ 

thankful to him r"^'' y^" ^"^^^^ *^ ^^ ^^^^ 
not fond of pub]icX:men7s'^' '' ''""^''^ 



'i2 SIMPSON & CO. [Anon. 

Mrs. B. So he says, and I suppose I must 
believe him — yet he often goes out, very often. 

Mrs. S. Do you know, my love, I sometimes 
think you are jealous ? 

Mrs B. No, I am not, nor do I believe I 
have any cause to be so ; yet F wish my hus- 
band were less fond of the counting-house, and 
more assiduous in his attentions to me ; in short, 
that he would follow the example of your's. 

Mrs. S. Consider that men's characters differ; 
that Mr. Simpson is, by some years, a younger 
man, than 

Mrs. B. I am aware of all you would say, 
but 

Mrs. S. But ! Surely you delight in torment- 
ing yourself. 

Mrs. B. I am not jealous, but when I look 
about among our neighbours, men who all adore 
their wives — ah ! my dear! Some through 
vanity, others from mere inconstancy of cha- 
racter. Why, there's our next-door neigh- 
bour, Mr. Honeymoon, who loves his wife to 
distraction, yet was not he seen the other day 
in a Tilbury with an Opera Dancer ? And as for 
Mr. Ledger, over the way, who doats upon 
Mrs. L. — if what the world says be true ! 

Mrs. S. But be assured that Mr. Bromley is 
none of these. ^ 

Mrs. B. 1 hope so ; but those men. / 
men, there's no knowing^ them, belie*' "^ 

Enter a Servant. ^^'^ ^^^^^jf 

Servant. A French Lady- ' , -^j^ y^^ 
Madame La Trnpi-e, de.ire'.to speak wiiu y 

ma'am. 



ACT I.] SIMPSON & CO. l3 

Mrs. S. With me ? I know no such person. 
But request her to walk in. 

Servant ushers in Madame La Trappe — (a small parcel 
in her hund, 

Jllad. L. Miledi, I have the honneur to sa- 
lute you. I vvili to speak wiz Miledi Simpson. 

Mrs. S. If you mean Mistress Simpson, ma- 
dam, 1 am the person. 

Mad. L. Mistress, I am your servant — Ma- 
dame La Trappe, from Paris — {looking cau- 
tiously about.) I sell de little contraband ; I 
smugo^le de little marchandize from Paris. I am 
recommend to you from Miledi Ledger, over 
de way. I have de advantage to sell to her many 
little tin^ what I smuggle, and \ sail be proud 
to take de advantage of you. 

Mrs. S. Pray, ma'am, don't give yourself the 
trouble 

Mad. L. Trouble ! O mon dieu, mon dieu, it 
is no trouble for so amiable leddi — [turning and 
curtseying to Mrs. Bromley] — for so amiable 
two leddy — and some lace which was make for 
Madame La Duchesse ; mon dieu, I not remem- 
ber myself — here is forty yard, I sell for two 
guinea one yard. 

Mrs. B. Two guineas a yard ! that's ex- 
tremely dear. 

Mad. L. O, madame ! — mais madame is so 
amiable, I sell it for one guinea. 

Airs. S. Really, ma'am, we cannot buy any 
thing to-day. 

Mad. L. Mais, mafhinc, c''€St egnl, you sail 
not buy, but I have much pleasure to make you 
see. Here is do. veil, it is pretty i\h one angel. 



14 SIMPSON &L CO. [AnOD. 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! I tell you — It was a senti- 
ment one great miloi'd buy for two hundred 
guinea for Mam'zeile Pirouette, of de Grand 
Opera — Hay! ha! ha! Dat poor milord! he 
give it her to-day ; to-morrow she sell it to 
me, and yesterday I sail sell it to every body 
else. 

Mrs. S. Once more, ma'am, I must beg you 
will give yourself no further trouble. 

Mad. L. [JV/iile making up her parcels.) Dat 
is veil, madam ; I come to-day, because I have 
to receive fifty pound in de bureau de counting- 
house down de stair. 

Mrs. B. To receive fifty pounds ! 

Mad. L. Oui, madame, one little accepta- 
tion of Monsieur Bropr.pjy ; I receive it of one 
very pretty lady, beautiful, who buy oTmc some 
lace — Madame, Madame — 1 forgot her name, 
but she live in Harley-street. 

Mrs. B. A lady in Harley-street, paying for 
hice with an acceptance of my husband's ! 

Mrs. L. You know de gentleman wat live in 
de counting-house ? 

Mrs. S. Yes, we 

Mrs. R. (^interrupting her) No, ma'am, no. 
Do you ? Let her speak, my dear, let her speak. 

Mad. L, I know him — dat is, I only know 
him from to see him. 

Mrs B. Aye> you saw him at the lady's 
house ? 

Mad. L. G, no, madame, I will*not say so, 
because it will not be true ; beside, if I did see 
liim, I am too discreet — O, mon Dieu ! tnon 
Oieu! But how 1 know him, it is so, ha ! ha ? 



ACT I.] siyrpsoN &L CO. 13 

ha 1 ha ! It make me laugh when I tink 

Two time I see him wait at de door, he walk 
up and he walk down, backward and forward ; 
and he stamp, and he swear, and he look in 
great rage, like he was jealous, and he look at 
de window and de door — you understand 

Mrs B. Go on, ma'am ; pray go on. 

Mad. L. De first time 1 make no attention to 
him, but when I see him wash two time before 
de door, I tink — Ah, ha ! Monsieur! Yet you 
know, madame, dat was only suspect, but when 
I come to-day touch my fifty pounds — Ha ! ha! 
ha I ha ! it is droll ; 1 see de gentleman what 
1 see walk about before de house of de pretty 
lady. 

Mrs. B. Are you certain, the gentleman you 
have just now seen is the same ? 

Mad. L. O, madame, wiz his little sanctify 
look— Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Mrs. S. And what does it signify whether it 
be or not ? 

Mad. L. Miledi, i beg pardon to derange 
you ; when you sail want de lace, de glove, de 
rouge, &c. I sail sell you for very little gain, 
and you sail not forget Madame La Trappe. — 
(^Curtseys.) Miledi, I have d'honeur to salute 
you, t am your very respectable servant indeed. 
(Mrs. Bromley follows her to the door.) Mon 
Dieu, mon Dieu, mon Dieu, madame, do not 
give yourself de pain. I sail call again last week 
wis some beautiful dress, as vat you see —and 
I call tell you more vat please you about the 
other gentilhomme, in the bureau down stairs, 
and perl^aps come j' espere anoder little accep- 



16 SIMPSON & CO. [Anoji 

tation for fifty pounds de lady will give me for 
what she is i^oing to buy wis it — sans f.toon, 
sans adieu — ^,j«S:=qu' au revoir. [Kxit. 

Mrs. B. VVell my dear vvh:^t sny you to this ? 

.Mrs. S. Oh the idle talk of a chattering 
French dealer in smugLilcd goods. 

Mrs. B. Idle talk ! "Then how comes it that 
this pretty lady pays for lace with my husband's 
acceptance ? 

Mrs. S. The acceptances of the house are 
negociated like bank-notes, and, passing from 
hand to hand, one may have fallen into the pos- 
session of the lady in Harley-street. Upon the 
same grounds 1 might as reasonably suspect 
Simpson. 

Mrs. B. Simpson, indeed ! no. no. Besides 
it was not Simpson she recognised in the count- 
ing-house. Simpson wasn't " de little sober 
gentleiiomme" she twice saw watching the 
house in a jealous fury. And isn't the gen- 
tleman *' with a little sanctify look," as she 
calls it, the exact description of my husband? 
She has said quite enough to satisfy me. 

Mrs. S. Be calm, my dear, all this will be 
satisfactorily explained to you, and you will be 
the first to laugh at your suspicions. For the 
present keep what you have heard a secret from 
every body, and, above all from your husband. 
(^.fiside.) The hypocritical villain ! 

Mrs. B; Well, I'll endeavour by concealing 
what I know, to learn more. Nor do you, on 
any account mention it to Simpson. 

Mrs. S. Be assured I will not. 

Mrs. B. The monster ! if he be guilty, I pro- 



ACT 1.] SIMPSON &: CO. 17 

mise you that before two days has passed over 
his head he shall — the cruel monster ! I could 
ahnost cry wiih vexation, [bursts into tears.] 

Mrs S. (Aside) Poor Mrs. Bromley I She 
is really to be pitied, poor thing ! 
Enter Bronilej, [_§aily ] 

Bro. So, here you are, Susan, niy dear. — 
Business is over for the day, and now 1 am at 
■\ our disposal. Gad, I believe I must begin to 
copy Simpson, and run out of the counting- 
house every half hour to visit my wife. 

Mrs. B. (^driltf) Indeed, sir ! Upon my word — 
I never before saw you so gallant. 

}3ro. True, my duck, true ; I mean to 
make amends. 

Mrs. B. To he plain with you, sir, a little 
change in your conduct wonld be very desirable. 

Mrs. S. (Jn an under voice, and as if anxious 
to prevent a quarrel.) My love 

Bro. Well, from this time forward you shall 
find me quite another tiling; every leisure 
moment I have shall be yours. I'li act the 
lover rather than the husband. I'll be a down- 
right Komeo, ha! lia ! ha! 

Mrs. B. Yoiir determination to reform is 
rather sudden, sir. 

Bro. Don t threw cold water over me, my 
darling ; don't you see I'm gay, I'm joyous. On 
making up my accounts of happines;-, I tind a 
large balance of content in my favour, business 
goes on swimmingly ; I've a wife whom I love, 
and — in short all my little arrangements are 
mighty comfortable. 

Mrs, B. (Mide) His little ariangements !— 
B 2 



18 biMPsoN &. CO. [Anon. 

1 congratulate you sincerely on your comrorta- 
ble little arrangements, Mr. Bromley. 

Mrs. S. (^To her.) Pray have a care. 

Bro. Mr. Bromley ! and sir ! this is very 
strange ! what the deuce is the meaning of ail 
this coldness, and formalily ? 

Mrs, B. Ask that of yourself, sir : look into 
your heart and you will there discover the 
cause. 

Mrs. S. {Checking her.) 

Bro. Look into iny heart ? I may look into 
it for a month, and the chief article I shall tind 
there will be a large stock in iiand of iovc for 
vny Susan. 

Mrs. B. (Aside) The perfidious wretch I 

Bro. Something is the matter, that'?) cer- 
tain — we parted -good friends an hour ago ; 
what has happened to put you oat of humour 
I'-ince ? hhe turns from fiitn.) Mrs. Simpsoi*. 
ran you explain ? What crotchet has my wilt 
got into her head now ? 

Mrs. S. (co/.'//f/) Tis nothing, sir, nothing — 
'twill pass .iway I hope, [to Mrs. Bromley.] 

Bro. A word, Mrs. Bromley, if you pieafie. 
You have the good luck to be married to a plain 
rnan, who 

Mrs B. (turning quickli/ upon Iiiin.) Well, 
sir, i know i am married to a plain man ; and 
what then? 

Bro. Why then, madam, he lores you Iio- 
nestly and sincerely — he does his utmost, ma- 
dam, to make you happy, and — and — zoundis, 
rnadam; what wo'dd you itiive more ? 

Mrs. B. [Asidc.\ Who would have thought 
the traitor could carry it oil so well. 



ACT r.] SIMPSON & CO. l9 

Bro, Come, Susan, give me your hand, 
and let's have an end of this ; and till you kave 
recovered your good temper, you had better 
retire to your own room. 

Mrs S. (To j\lrs. Bromley as she goes o^) — 
Pray, pray, be more the mistress of yourself. 

Mrs. B. Ah, my dear, this blow will be the 
deatii of me. [Exit Mr. and Mrs. Bromley — she 
reluctantly givinu- him her hand 

Mrs. S. Who would have suspected him ? 
Heavens! should the m^n corrupt my Charles ! 
Nothino; so dangerous for a husband as the so- 
ciety of persons of Mr. Bromley's character. — 
Here he comes. 

Enter Simpson. 

Well, Charles, you know what is going 
forward ? 

Sim. No, love ; what? 

Mrs. S. Poh ! poh ! you know it as well as I 
do. 

Sim. Upon my Iionour I cannot even guess 
what you allude to. 

Mrs, S. 'Tis all discovered. 

Sim. [Alarmed.) Discovered ! — Does she 
suspf ct ? 

Mrs. S. Abo'it Bromley, you know. 

Sim. Bromley '. 

Mrs. S*. His poor wife ^^nows all about it. 

Situ. About what, my love ! 

Mrs. S. Hi- intrignes. 

Sim. His intrigues ! Bromley's intvigues ? 
poh ! impossible, {laughing.) 

Mrs. jS. Niay, 'tis useless, now, to pretend 
ignorancv ; we have just learnt what you have 
known long ago. 



50 SIMPSON &. (0. [Anon. 

. Sitn I have known ! \vl»at have I known ? 

Mrs. S. That he has a mislreijs. 

Sim. What, Bromley ! The phihosopher, the 
sober, steady ! Ha! ha', ha! that's excellent! 
Come tell me all about it, my love, tell me all 
about it. 

Mrs. jS'. O, ray dear Charles, I'm delighted, 
I perceive by your manner that you know no- 
thing oj' it. 1 was fearful thai you were in his 
confidence, and, to say the truth, that would 
have made me uneasy. 

Sim. 1 in his confidence ! No, no ; he knows 
me too well ; I should have lectured him round- 
ly had he hinted (^.'Iside.) 'Gad I was afraid 

1 had been found out myself. 

Mrs. S. Only imagine ; a French dealer in 
smuggled lace — A madamo t-a Trappe, who has 
just been here, not knowing Susan, related to 
us — but what am 1 doing ? Bromley, as yet, 
knows nothing of the discovery we have made, 
and I have promised Susan to keep the secret 
till 

Sim. Well, but you may tell me, Anna ; t 
long to hear all the particulars ; trust me — I'm 
dumb, you know. 

Mrs. S. No — no — no — and 1 am to blame for 
having mentioned it to you at all. 

Sim. Who would ever have thought this I 
And Bromley, of all men in the world. 

Mrs. S. Really— ha! ha! ha !— really of the 
two partners one would rather have suspected 
you thanlum. 

Sim. Ah ! nothing is so little to be trusted in 
as appearances. 



ACT I.] SIMPSON & CO. 21 

Mrs. S. And now, Charles, IVe a favour (o 
ask of you. Mr. Bromley, no doubt, is a very 
honourable man in business, very correct in 
trade; but you are a younger man than he, 
and I seriously entreat you not to go out too 
frequently with him ; there's no knowing how 
he may mislead you — it may be catching. 

Sim. You have nothing to fear on that score — 
I know him now. 

Mrs. S. There's a good boy. Now I'll just 
go to poor Susan, and do what I can to comfort 
her. 

Sim. Do, love ; but don't remain long away 
from me. 

Mrs. S. No dear, I'll soon return. Ha ! what 
a happy woman am I. [Exit, 

Sim. So, so Mr. Bromley, you have your 
little fiolicks abroad as well as another, I find. 
The hypocritical cur with his long face and 
crabbed morality this morning, when I but merely 
hinted at the posibility of — but really this is too 
bad ! an avowed mistress ! My case is very 
different : I regard my wife sincerely. So that 
should I even form a little attachment with Mrs. 
Fitzallan, there is no danger of its disturbing 
my domestic peace. Besides, as she knows 
me only as Captain VValsingham, and — Oh, 
hang it, Vm not so indiscreet as my partner. — 
Ha! here he comes, the rogue. I possess his 
secret, he is ignorant of mine, so I'll make the 
best of my advantage, and torment his little sly 
soul out. 

Enter Bromley. 

Brom. There she sits mumping and sulking* 



L'£ bir.:i*soN g: co. [Anon, 

speaking liairwords, and — Ah! Simpson — Ihere's 
my duck in the temper of a hjena, ;n)d I'll just 
<i.sk }'ou why ? 

Sim. You needn't ask me! — you know well 
•eiiouffb. 

Bro. I know! I'll be bound she herself 
does not know; but woman's whims 

Sim. Hark ye, my dear ftliovv ; I am your 
friend ; you know 1 am ; a« you would be min(} 
under similir circumstances. I have promised 
my wife to say nothing to you about the matter, 
but let me put you on your guard, [looks cav- 
tiously around, and then whispers.] It is a cursed 
awkward business it is all discovered. 

Bro. Discovered ! What's discovered ? 
Who has discovered ? What's the discovery ? 

Sim. Your wife, poor thing — she knows all 
about it. 

Bro. Does she ? 

Sim. Yes, she does — and she has told mine. 

Bro. And pray what has she told her ; 
and what do they both know ? 

Sim. i'hal confounded Madame La Trappe ! 
why didn't you bribe her to hold her tongue ? 
She has been here and blabbed the whole 
affair. 

Bro. And who the devil is madanie La 
Trappe ? 

Sim. W^hy, the Fiench smuggler, you know. 

Bro. Curse me if 1 know any smuggler, 
French or English. Is every body out of their 
senses to-day ? 

Siy/i. No, sir, no, we are all in our senses. -r- 
But madame La Trappe, whom you affect not 



ACT I.] SIMPSON & CO, 23 

to know, yet who knows yon perfectly 
well, has exposed all your peccadilloes. 
In short, she has divulged to your wif^, that, in 
a certain sly corner you understand 

Bro. No, 1 don't ; what do you mean by a 
sly corner ? 

Sim, Why, not to mince the matter, you keep 
a girl. 

Bro. I keep a girl ! — Let meJ^ll you iMr- 
Simpson, this is a bad joke, a damR'd bad joke, 
and I don't allow of jesting on such a subject. 

Sim. Oh, no, to be sure : — it was but this 
morninsiyou said tome, with that puritanical 
face of yours — '^ My marriage promise is as 
sacred as my acceptance.*" 

Bro. So it is, sir. 

Si7n. Egad, then, if this is your way of ho- 
nouring your conjugal acceptances, you'll soon 
lose your credit in the bank of Hymen. 

Bro. Plague upon you and H3'men, and 
Madame La Trappe, and the whole firm ofyou ! 

Siiu. Nay, if you are angry, I have no more 
to say. But now, coolly, the best of us may go 
astray, and if you can't help being such a terri- 
ble turk after the woraen 

Bro. A turk ! i, a turk ! 
Sim, Aye — it's constitutional with you, I sup- 
pose : why, then, face it out to your wife, and 
swear you're innocent ; but denying the fact to 
me — man to man — poh ! — it's ridiculous. 

Bro. Mr. Simpson, for the last time, 1 beg 
you'li drop the subject; I am not to be made a 
butt for your ribaldry. 

Sim. Tra done : I have acquitted myself of a 



24 SIMPSON &. CO, [Anon. 

task of friendship, and fiave but one word to 
add ; you are watched, dogg<^d, and surrounded 
with spies ; but since you wont let me help you 
out of the scrape — go — I abandon you to your 
unhappy fate. 

Enter Foster. 

Fos. A letter, sir ; the bearer says it is of the 
greatest importance. 

Brom. {ojlfki'ing it.) Ha ! from our bankers. 
[reads) " Private. We have strong reason to 
believe that the house of Snakeley &. Co. which 
is indebted to yours upwards of eight thousand 
pounds, is on the point of stopping payment."" 
So here's wherewithal to put an end to your 
jesting. 

Sim. Unlooked-for disaster ! What's to be 
done ! Three thousand, money lent. 

Bro. We wanted but this to complete the 
pleasure of the morning. 

Sim. (m the greatest agitation.) Go to them, 
Bromley — no — IMl go myself — Foster, send for 
a coach — or, stop, it is but a step, I shall go 
faster a-foot — be calm, my dear fellow, be 
calm ; Foster, make out a statement of this — 
no, rather [taking BromleAfs hand) leave it to 
me, I'll talk to them ; I'll see what is to be 
done with them ; I'll return instantly, {going. 

Bro. {cfdling after him) Hold ! hold ! the 
securities I gave you, and which Mr. Tradely 
is to call for. 

Sim. Aye, true, the securities ; at such a 

moment as this, I hardly what the devil 

have I done with them ? 

Bro. You put them in your pocket. 



ACT I.] SIMPSON L CO, 25 

Sim. Did I ? I I'm so flustered {fi(^^- 

ing in his pockets) Oh here they are ; you'll 
find them in this, and — (^s^ives Bromley the pocket 
book) this is a dreadful blow, but I'll see what 
can be done. Come with me, Foster, come. 
\^Exit in the greatest agitation, follozi-ed by Fos- 
ter. 

Bro. A charminsj morning, indeed ! a quarrel 
with my wife about nothing, and a failure in 
business to the amount ofeight thousand pounds ; 
Oh, I begin to perceive thi.» in matrimonial, as 
well as in mercantile speculations, when one 
comes to make out the account of profit, a 
plaguy deal must be set down to per contra 
creditor. [Exit. 

ACT II.— SCENE Continues. 
Enter Bromley. 
Brom. Thanks to the intercession of Mrs. 
Simpson I am friends with ray wife : she has 
pardoijed me, as she is pleased to express it. 
though I'm as innocent as a new-born babe. 
This was our first quarrel, and, pray heaven, it 
may be the last ; for, from this little specimen, 
I am certain that when a man's better half is 
discontented — t'other half has a damnable time 
of it. 

Enter Mrs. Simpson, {^very gravely. 2 

My dear Mrs. Simpson, how much am I oblige 
ed to you ; but for you I had been a lost man. 

Mrs. S. Mr. Bromley, I am glad I find you 
alone. I desire a little private conversation 
with you. 



26 siMPSOxV &: CO. [Anon. 

Brom. With mo ? 

Mrs. S. Pray look whether any one is with- 
in hearing, close the door, and hand me a chair. 
Bro. [placing the chairs] What is all this to 
lead to! {Aside.) 

Mrs. .S. {After a shoi^f jimtse, and very seri- 
ously) Mr. Broniley you know my regard 

for your wife ; you know I consider Susan and 
you as our best friends, and it is natural I should 
take a deep interest in all that concerns you. 

Bro. You're a kind soul ; if it had'n't been 
ior your interference just now — 

Mrs. S. Well, well, it has had its effect ;— I 
am persuaded, therefore, you will not take amiss 
my speaking to you upon this very delicate sub- 
ject. 

Brom. No, ma'am, — no — no. {aside) Some- 
thing new I suppose. 

Mrs. S. Then, sir, if you are not too far 
gone, {Bromley starts) I would prevent the re- 
currence of the unhappy disagreement your 

misconduct has occasioned 

Brom. My misconduct! it is an invention, a 

libel, a caluviiny, and I never in my life 

Mrs. iS. 1 had prepared myself for all you 
would say, Mr. Bromley, but listen to me as 
your friend ; the past will be forgotten, but for 
the future, — pray, pray, Mr. Bromley, let the 
scenes of this day serve you as a warning : and 
do not you, either by bad counsel, Or pernicious 
example, corrupt my poor Charles. 

Brom. I corrupt him ! I ! — don't drive me 
ftark staring mad. 



ACT II.] SIMPSOJV & CO. 27 

Enter Mrs. Bromley. 

Mrs. B. (endeavouring to suppress her pas- 
sion) Very pretty-"Sweetly pretty, indeed,--! 
congratulate you---!---! admire your taste, Mr. 
Broraley. 

Bra. My taste in what ? 

Mrs. B. She is very handsome, I must allow. 
It would be difficult to make a better choice. 

Bro. Again ! the same eternal, infernal 

subject! (^aside, and as if startled by a sudden 
thought) Lord help me ! Is it possible I could 
have gone astray without knowing it ? 

Mrs. B. Twenty, or two-and-twenty at the 
iitinpst ^ blue eyes, ruby lips, complexion like 

Bro. (^unable any longer to suppress ?iis at 
ger) Madam, what is your reason for all this 
am I to be made the laughing-stock of the whoK 
house ? During this entire day, have I been 
worried by one or the wther. Can there be 
uny thing like appearances against me ? Let 
me see, on Tuesday I supped with my old aunt, 
Wednesday — 

Mrs. B. Don't be at the trouble of inventing 
excuses. 

Bro. Not I, madnm ; I shan't condescend 
to justify myself :- -flesh and blood cnn bear 
this no longer. Do what you please, say what 
you please, call me what you will :---and since 
you are determined to be jealous, hang me if I 
hav'n't a great mind to take the trouble of giv- 
ing you cause---Mrs. Bromley! [Exit. 

Mrs. S. (aside) His manner convicts him. 

Mrs. BJ It's the way with them all : when 



-8 siMi'soxX k CO. [Anon. 

they have notliing to say in Iheir defence, they 
assume the airs of the injared party. 

Mrs. S. But my dear, what's the meaning of 
this altercation ? 

Mrs. S, The profligate imagines tliat just 
now I saw his red morocco pocket-book lying 
.on his writing-table. I know not what impulse 
prompted me to open it, but finding nothing id 
it except papers of business, ---securities, 1 be- 
lieve,---! was going to replace it, when I per- 
ceived a spring in the corner ; 1 prest upon it, 
removed a secret slide, and there, to my horror, 
discovered--- 

Mrs S. Letters? ,.,^ 

Mrs. B. Worse! the Creature's portrait.' ' 
je Mrs. S. Abominable \ — {aside) Charleslshatl 

^oiitively dissolve partnership, 
Ih Mrs. B. She is handsome enough, but ?o 
much the worse. And he !— To hear him one 
would think his whole soul is wrapt up in me ; 
but I know him now ; I have found him out at 
last, the perfidious monster ! 

Mrs. S. You have done well to conceal from 
him your discovery. 

Mrs. B. O, my dear, had 1 mentioned it to 
him he would have sworn it was the portrait of 
some sixteenth cousin in Yorkshire, or a lady 
to whom he paid his addresses in his youth. 

Mrs. S. No doubt of it. 

Mrs. B. But I'll contbund him yet. 1 replaced 
the book just where he left it. But their let- 
ters—their letters ! No doubt, the dear souls, 
occasionally write to each other. I'll coutrive 
to obtain possession of some of their tender 



1CT 11.) SlMl^SON &L CO. 29 

epistles, and we shall then hear what the wretch 
will have to say for himself. 

Mrs. S. Susan, my love ; instead of anger 
and reproaches, the cojnmon error of offended 
wives, endeavour to reform him by kind and 
gentle remonstrances. Except in hearts utterly 
depraved, these wild attachments are seldom of 
long duration when opposed by tlie disinterested 
affection of a wife. 

Mrs. B. True, true, I'll 1 know not what 

I'll do. But here comes Mr. Simpson. Ah ! 
Anna, you are a happy woman I Let me quit 
you, my love, for the very sight of a faithful 
husband renders my monster more odiotis to 
i"e. [Exif. 

Mrs. S. Poor thing I ray heart bleeds for her. 

Enter Simpson — (gaify) 

Sim. {sptaking' as he enters) Where is my 
partner ! I have recovered the whole of our 
debt, and now where is Bromley ? 

Mrs. S. O, Charles, don't name him. Did 
you but know what has passed during your ab- 
sence ! 

Sim. What, more evidence against the gay 
deceiver! 

Mrs. S. The wretch ! But I'm glad you are 
returned, for though he does not deserve j'our 
intercession, you must, for his wife's sake, en- 
deavour to restore harmony between them. 

Sim. Me, my love I this is a very delicate 
affair ; and for me to interfere. 

Mrs. S. You are, in all respects, the pro- 
perest person. Besides, in those cases, exam- 
c 2 



JU siBirsoN & CO. [Anon. 

pie goes a great way ; and, by holding up to 
iMm your own excellent conduct as a 

Sim. Confessed, true ; but njy conduct — that 
is, it would appear like vanity in me to — be- 
sides — in a word, my love, what would you 
have me say to him ? 

Mrs. S. Say to him, Mr. Simpson ! — tlien do 
you encourage him in his wicked doings ? 

Sim. What, — I ! — [aside.) I shall betray my- 
self. — (^zinth affected energy.) I encourage him ! 
'Tis infamous! 'tis abominable! I'll read hixn 
such a lecture as shall make him sink into the 
earth ; I'll overwhelm him with 

Mrs S. Do with him as you please, love ; 
do not spare him, for we now have the most 
positive proof of liis having a mistress. 

Sim. (^Eagerly) Is she pretty ? — (^checks hi?}!- 
self.) 

Mrs. S. Blue eyes, ruby lips, complexion 
like a rose. — 

Sim. [Aside) Exactly like Mrs. Fitzallan. 

Mrs. S. But, were she an angel, her beauty 
is no apology for him. 

Sim. Certainly not, certainly not What bu- 
siness has the husband of one of the prettiest 
women in the city, to be running after angels ; 
'tis scandalous, 'tis — (aside) I'm in a cursed 
awkward position here, and the sooner 1 get 
awav the better. But I'll attack him at once ; 
i'll lecture him ; I'll hector him ; and he must 
reform his -jonduct, or no longer call me his 
friend. 

Mrs. S. You are right, my love, for, as it is, 
the man is no company for you. 



ACT II.] SIMPSON & CO. 31 

Sim. No, IVe done ivith him : I've no pity 
for a man who g;oes nsiniy — and wants address 
to guard against detection, [aside) [Exit. 

Mrs. S. 1 doubt his success : Mr. Bromley, 
I fear, is a hardened sinner. Besides he knows 
too well the purity of my Charles' principles, 
to confess his error to him. 

Enter a Servant. 

Ser. Mrs. Fitzaileo, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. Mrs. Fitzallen ? I'am not acquainted 
with the woman, (^looking out) Ah ! 'tis Mari- 
anne. [ExU SeiYdnt. 

Enter Mrs. Fitzallen. 
My dear Marianne, my earliest friend, how de- 
lighted I am to meet you once again. 

Mrs. F. After a separation of live years at 
length me meet. ^How often have I thought on 
my old school-friend. I have a thousand things 
to ask, a thousand things to say to you. 

Mrs S. But i»efore I ansner you a single 
question, you must tell me all that has happen- 
ed to you since you left England. 

Mrs. F. Ah, my dear ! — My history, though 
short, is a sad one. You heard of my going to 
India ; there 1 married General Fitzallan, and 
within two years after our marriage — (weeps) 

Mvn. S. How ! already a widow ! 

Mrs. F. Too true.— {sighifig) 

Mrs. S. Come, come, love.— This is the day 
of our re-union, and I shall insist on your being 
very gay. 

Mrs. F. Well, well.— And you too, are mar- 
ried ? 

Mrs. S. Yes, sure, I am settled dowa in Mine- 



32 SIMPSON & CO. [Anon. 

iflgLane, in the the midst of invoices, ledgers, 
and bills of lading ; I am a plain sober city wife. 
Mrs. F. And ^our husband ? Come, tell me 
all about him. Is he an old stumpy little man 
in a grey coat and a brown wig ? or young and 

handsome, and like the beings at the other 

side of Temple-bar ; and is he kind and atten- 
tive to you ? And are you happy together ? 

Mrs. S. That indeed we are ; but yo\i will see 
him presently, and I'll answer for it you will be 
<lelighted with him. If he has a fault it is that 
his fondness of me renders him almost ill-bred 
in his behavour to every other woman. 

Mrs F. Don't attempt to correct him ; 'tis 
an uncommon fiult with husbands. 

BIrs S. That's true ; (tw men are like Simp- 
son, [looking cautiously arowui) Now there is 
my husband's partner, Mr bromley---Peter 
Bromley--a pretty name for a gay deceivers- 
Mrs P. That name is familiar to me. Oh ! 
I remember— -I received some acceptances of 
his in payment from my poor husband's execu- 
tor. 

Mrs S. VVell---only conceive---his wife, poor 
thing- 
Mrs F. Does he neglect her ? 
Mrs S. He's a wretch ! We have the most 
positive proof against him. I do all I can to 
console poor Susan, but what can avail in such 
a case ? 

Mrs F. Oh ! these men, these men ! And the 
inconceivable effrontery of some of them ! What 
Ihink you for instance, of a man 1 never saw 
i>efore in my life— one captain- -captain— cap- 



ACT 11.] SIMPSON k CO. 33 

tain Wabingham, who, without any sort of in- 
troduction twice presents himself aim}? house, 
under pretence of settling some business for 
mc at the India-house. 

Mrs. S. Is it possible ! and how did you re- 
ceive aim ? 

Mrs F. As his insolence deserved of course, 
and for some time I heard no more of him. But 
within these few days he has dared to write to 
me. His tirst letter I returned to him unan- 
swered, but he so pesters me with his epistles 
thai i find it less trouble to burn them unopen- 
ed. Then I can scarcely stir from home but 
he follows my carriage, and-— in short, his im- 
portmities are become so irksome, that I am 
half determ'ned to apply to the magistrates. 

Mrs S. Hush ! here come the unhappy pair. 
( They walk up the stage) 

Enter Bromley and Mrs. Bromlej'. 

Bro. (^speaks on entering) Oh, with all my 
heart ! separate maintenance, or no maintenance 
at all, if you prefer it— So jou will but cease to 
torment me 

Mrs, B. I'm not the woman Mr. Bromley, to 
bear such wrongs tamely ; 1 have relations 
and— 

Mrs S. {coming hastily forward) For heav- 
en's sake here's a visitor— I must present to 
you a dear friend of mine---Mrs Fitzallan. 

Bro. {bowing) Any friend of Mrs Simpson's 
---Madam, your servant. 

Mrs B. i am delighted, ma'am, io— {looking 
steadfastly at Mrs Fitzallan, she says to Mrs 



34 SIMPSON &. CO. [Anon. 

Simpson) Oh ! support me my dear, Tm faint- 
ing. 

Mcs S. What is the matter ? 

Bro. (taking her hand, which she hastily with- 
draws) What ails you, my duck ? 

Mrs F. The lady is very pale. 

Mrs B. (^repulsing her) 'Tis nothing madom, 
'tis past— it was merely the surprise. Thfere 
are persons (^half directed to Bromley) who c^n 
support a surprise without the slightest change 
of countenance. Mr Bromley I dare say is 6f 
my opinion. 

Mrs S. I perceive nothing very surprising, 
my dear, in a simple introduction to an old 
friend of mine. 

Mrs B. The lady is not altogether unknown 
to me, nor to Mr Bromley neither. 

Bro. To me ! I don't recollect ever having 
had the honoxir of seeing the lady before. 

Mrs F. I go but little into society, ma'am ; 
may 1 inejuire where you 

Mrs B. This gentleman is more competent 
to answer the question than myself, madam. 

Mrs S. {aside) What can she mean ? 

Bro. [in an under tone and with suppressed 
€Lnger) Madam, let me advise you, for your own 
sake not to expose your folly to a stranger. 
(Aside) I wonder she has not attacked fat Bet- 
ty, the cook, or old Sally, the housemaid. 

Mrs B. [to Mrs Fitzallan) Pray, madam, did 
you ever sit for your portrait? 

Mrs F. {laughing) I now perceive the oc- 
<:asion of your suprise. No doubt you saw my 
portrait in the Exhibition ; and the likeness, 



ACT II.] SIMPSON 4r CO. S.-i 

which was indeed allowed to be perfect, has led 
you to imagine---Ha I ha ! ha !---and m}' black 
velvet dress-— did you remark how finely that 
was painted ? 

Mrs B. [aside) Black velvet f 'tis that-— 
there's no longer a doubt. I am perfectly well 
acquainted with the miniature, madam, but it 
was not at the Exhibition I saw it. 

Mrs F. A miniature ? you mistake, a full 
length picture. 

Mrs S. (^aside) Can her jealousy have so 
blinded her. {aloud and laughing) I begin to 
understand the meaning of this, but take my 
word for it, my ('ear, you were never so mis- 
taken in your life. 

Mrs F. {aside) Good heavens ! Can I be 
the cause of any disagreement here ? 

Dro. Well, ladies, to me all this is a riddle ; 
I have lived in a riddle this whole day. As 1 
never was very apt at guessing riddles, I shall 
quietly leave to time the task of expounding 
this. 

Filter Simpson. 

Sim. Well, love, 'tis now dinner time ; are 
you sure your friend, Marianne, will come ? 

Mrs S. {pointing to Mrs Fitzallan^whvsehach 
is turned from Simpso}i) She is here, Charles^ 
Marianne, I must present my husband to you--- 
Mr Simpson. 

Mrs F. This gentleman ! Mr Simpson 1 

Sim. {ovei'whehned with confusion, yet point- 
edly and rapidly) Is the husband of your friend, 
mndam- -{aside) 1 wish I was up to my neck in 
a horse-poud ! 



36 SIMPSON & CO. [Anoii. 

Mrs F. I congratulate you sincerely, sir, on 
your choice. We were just speaking of you ; 
MiHi Simp«^on has emphatically eulogised your 
undivided attention to her, and no one is more 
desirous than mys^elf to believe, tUat jou fully 
merit her confidence. 

Sim. [greatly embarrassed] O, madam ! when 
the heart — when a wife — when a husband, 
whose constancy, whose fidelity — a virtue now 

departed from with impunity [Aside] I'm 

dished ! 

Mrs. B. [To Bromley] Do you hear that, 
base man ? ^ 

Bro. Yes, I hear ; though I understand no'^ 
thins: about it. However, 1 am determined to 
be silent, and we shall see which of us vvill be 
tired soonest. 

Mrs. S. [to Simpson^ and pointing toiturds 
Bromley] You are too severe, my love ; be 

compassionate a little indulgence [To 

Mrs. Fitzallan] am 1 not right ? 

Sim. A little indulgence — aye, aye, a little — 
we all have need of it — besides, at an age wlien 
the passions, and when — after all, there arc 
greater sinners than we ! — Eh, Bromley. 

Bro. [Jiside.) It seems as if Simpson's turn 
had come. Well, turn and turn about — my wif( 
and I have need of a little rest, that's certain. 

Sim. And when one considers the weakness- 
the - the lesp 1 say the better. 

Mrs. FUz. That, sir is exactly my opinion. 

Mrs. S. I am glad, Charles, to find you so 
weak an advocate in so bad a cause. 

Mrs. F. To put an end to a conversation 



ACT II.] SIMPSON &, CO. 37 

which nin?t be exceedingly embarrassing to a 

certain person of the party pray tell me, 

Mr. Simpson, whether you happen to be ac- 
quainted with one Captain Walsingham ? 

Sim. {To her) The cruel little devil ! [aside) 

Yes, ma'am ; I'm notquite^ yes, yes, I knew 

him — ma'am ; that is---ma'am, I knew him for- 
merly. 

Mrs. S. [JisiJe] I regret that Charles was 
acquainted with so disreputable a person. 

Mrs. F. Do tell me what is his character, 
Mr. Simpson. 

Sim, His character ? Oh, he's a — a sort of 
a---a perfect man of honour, I assure you, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. F. No doubt ; he seems too, to be a 
devoted slave of the ladies. 

Mrs. S. Pray, Charles, present my respects 
to your Captain Walsingham. Mrs. Fitzallan 
has related to me a little anecdote concerning 
him, which places him very high in my esteem. 

Sim. What then, you know [aside] Can 

she have told 1 

Mrs F. Do you know, Mr. Simpson, whe- 
ther he still maintains his influence at the India 
house ? 

Sim. [pointedly] No, ma'am ; he's now an 
ex-director ; has abandoned all intentions of 
further interference in that quarter---How shall 
1 get out of this ? Here William,— a— let's 
have dinner, do ye hear ? it's full time. 
Enter a Servant. 

Ser. Dinner sir, won't be ready this half- 
bour. [Exit, 



'iS SIMPSON & CO. [Anon. 

Sim. Very well. [Aside] John deserves a 
guinea for interrupting the conversation. 

Bro. [gdily] Come, Simpson, go and order a 
bottle of Champaigne in honour of our fair 
guest ; that will set us all in good humour ; 
find before the third glass has gone round, I 
warrant it, we shall all have come to a right 
understanding. Fla ! ha ! ha ! 

Mrs S. O, let the butler look to the wine ; 
and you, Charles, show Marianne our collec- 
tion of pictures," I'll follow in a moment. 

Sim. [aside] How I nm to escape, heaven 
knows ! Your arm, madam. 

Exeunt Simpson and Mrs. Fitzallan. Bromley offers 
his ami to Mrs. Bromley ; she rejects it^ and folioies the 
oth«'rs. 

Mrs S, [To Brovdey, as he is going nff^ Mr. 
Bromley, a word Considering your situation, 
your boisterous gaiety ; to say the best of it, — 
i.s ill-judged. 

Mrs D. Mr. Bromley, your braving it out 
in this manner is positively indecent. Exit Mrs 
Sii?ipson, rvho also rejects his arm. 

liro. Vastly well, ---let them say what they 
xvill I'm determined not to open my mouth till 
dinner's ready. [Exit. 

SCENE II. 

^ Di awing- Room f tcilh Pictures. 
Enter Mrs. Fitzallan. 
Mrs F. Poor Mr. Simpson ; he has some 
modesty, however, and couldi>'t bear a moment 
of examination. 

Enter Mr*. Simpson. 

Mrs S. What, has Simpson left you already, 
isow rnde ! 



A-CT !I.] SIMPSON & CO, 30 

Mrs F, Rude ! — I think the folks are all 
rather singular— he saw me at the door, bowed 
and left me. Then really, my dear, Mrs Brom- 
ley's behaviour to me is very extraordinary ; 
she does not only avail herself of my presence, 
to torment her husband, but I am evidently tha 
object of all her sarcasms and innuendos, 

Mrs S. Did you ever happen to see Mr. 
Bromley? 

Mrs F. No ; never. 

Mrs S. How comes it then that he possesses 
your portrait, — 

Mrs F. My portarit ? 

Mrs S. Which he keeps concealed in his 
pocket-book* 

Mrs F, Nonsense ; impossible, 

Mrs S. I assure you, Marianne, he has it; 
and the resemblance is, in all respects, so per- 
fect that it cannot be attributed to chance, 

Mrs F, The profligate monster ! But to what 
base end can he have procured it ? and by what 
means ? 

Mrs S. 'Tis difficult to tell. Perhaps, unob- 
served by you, he may have seen you some- 
where or other, and becoming enamoured of 
you, contrived to procure a copy of your pic- 
ture at the exhibition. 

Mrs F, [aside] I rather suspect — my dear, 
are you sure, are you quitte sure, that Mr. 
Bromley is the person capable of- — 

Mrs S. Capable! After the discoveries we 
bave made to-day, I'm convinced he is capable 
of any thing. 

Mrs F- [aside] One partner torments me 
with letters, the other purloins my portrait 



40 SIMPSON k C9. [Anon. 

am I fated to turn the heads of the whole firm 
of Simpson and Co. 

Mrs S. Here he comes, expectinsj no doubt, 
to find you alone, and prepared with a formal 
declaration. 

Enter Bromley. 

Bro. My Mrs B. seems inclined to open a 
fresh account, but as we have had sufficient 
dealings in the article of bickering for one day, 

I leave her to Ah ! Mrs Fitzallan, your 

humble— —and Mrs Simpson, too — I hope 1 
am not an interru)»tion. 

Mrs S. On the contrary, sir, this lady and 
myself desire an opportunity of gently and 
quietly remonstrating with you. Mr. Bromley, 
your conduct is most atrocious. 

Mrs. F, 'Tis barbarous !— 'tis ungentleman- 
ly— 'tis unmanly. 

£ro. Madam, if ever I 

Mrs S. What excuse have you for endanger- 
ing, as you have done, the reputation of a res- 
pectable woman ? 

Bro, [in anger] I vow and declare, that 
since the day I was born-r 

Mrs F. Will you be so obliging, sir, as to 
answer, distinctly, the questions I shall put to 
you ? 

Bro. So I a regular examination ! Speak, 
ladies ; state your charges ; 1 shall not employ 
counsel, but plead my own cause. 

Mrs F. Then sir, 1 must insist on your an- 
swering me seriously and without equivoca- 
tion. Till this day did you ever see me before ? 

Bre. Seriously and without equivocation, 1 
never did. 



ACT II.] SIMPSON Sl CO. 4i 

Mrs F. Has any person— any one who may 
take an interest in me, made you the depositary 
of his secret ? 

Bro. Madam, I assure you till this day I never 
had the pleasure either of seeing you or that 
of hearing you spoken of. 

Mrs F. Enough. Now, sir, as a man of honour 
you cannot refuse to relinquish my portrait, 
your possession of which is, at once, offensive 
and injurious to me. 

Bro. Your portrait ! your portrait ma'am ! — 
{aside] Oh, hang it, I see now they are quiz- 
zing me, for my wife's jealousy. Mrs Simpson 
first began running the joke against me to-day, 
as a hen-pecked husband ; and now she has got 
Mrs Fizallan to join her. 

Mrs S [to Mrs Fkzallan] He hesitates. 

Mrs F. Am I to be honoured with your an- 
swer, sir. 

Bro. (aside) 'Gad, I'll have a hoax as well as 
they, and turn the tables on'em. VNTell madam 
{to Mrs Fitzallan) I have as truly got your por- 
trait as you have got mine. 

MrsS. Atlength then you confess ; that is the 
first step towards repentance. Your wife is an 
excellent woman ; repent, Mr Bromley, and i 
trust she will pardon you. 

Enter Mrs. Bromley. 
Come, come, my love, let me be peace-mnker. 
Mr. Bromley has confessed his errors and pro- 
mised sincere repentance, and you must forgive 
him 

Mrs B And what have you to say for your- 
self, Mr Bromley ? 

Bro. What have I to say for myself; I have 
D 2 



4*i SIMPSON &L CO. [Anon. 

merely said that as truly as I have that lady's 
portrait she has mine, and I will res-tore her 
beautiful bust when she gives me my little 
full length. 

Mrs F. Sir ! 

Bro. Yes, my little full length"-in a pepper 
and salt coat, striped waistcoat, and drab-colour 
small-clothes, and continuations. 

iVIrs F. (^1^0 Mrs Simpson) My dear, the man's 
mad ! 

Bro. As to the letters you say have passed 
between us 

Mrs F. {with dignity) This is too much. I 
should he forgetting the respect 1 owe myself 
were 1 to remain another moment here. 

Mrs S. (^taking her hand) For niy sake, 
Marianne— -yet an instant — 

Bro. (^laughing aloud.) 

Enter Simpson. 

Now Charles, follow my example and confess ; 
'tis your only hope. 

Sim. (^alarmed) Confess ! ! ! What ! 

Bro. Confession and r« pentance are the or- 
der ofthe day. Acknowledge, that but for your 
txauiplo, 1 never should have gone astray. 

Sim. [asifle) Am I detected too, then ! 

Bro. Acknowledge that your wicked coun- 
sels iirst perverted my innocent heart ; that 
you are accountable for ail my peccadilloes, as 
you call them. 

Sim. (^Agitaitd) Each for himself, si i«, if you 
please. 

Mrs S. Fie on you, Mr. Bromley. First 
calunoniate my friend and next accuse my un- 
offending husband 1 Shame, shame, Mr. Brom- 
ley. 



ACT II.] SIMPSON & CO. 43 

Mrs B. Your attempts at evasion will avail 
von nothing ; it is not with Mr. Simpson, but 
with you, sir 

Bro. 'Tis ail one; we are partners; and 
our pleasures and our plagues ought to be in 
common. [Observins^ i he serious countenunccs of 
the others.] Lord help ine ! should ihey be ia 
earnest alter ail ! 

Enter a Servant [who vrhispers Mrs. Si>wp»on.] 

Mrs S. Instantly-— (jf'o Mrs FHzallan)-"A 

good opportunity to humiliate Mr. Bromley 

1 have been sitting for my miniature unknown 
to Charles — the painter has just sent it ; Til 
take this occasion of presenting it to him. Do 
but wait my return, and this atfair shall be ex- 
plained to your satifffaclion. (2o Bromley.) Ah ! 
Mr. Bromley ! 1 never thought you capable of 
such doings. [Exit. 

Sim. Was it your intention to insult me, Mr, 
Bromley, by your ridiculous accusations I 

Bro. Sir, i 

iA'rs F. Is it your pleasure, Mr. Bromley, to 

surrender (^ti,ys(eiious!y) the object iii 

question ! 

Bro. Madam, madam, 1 assure you 

Mrs B. 'Tis a clejir case, Miv Bromley ; I 
shall now. leave the aifair with my relatives. 

Bro. *Tis a clear case there is a plot among 
you to drive me wild, and 

Enter Foster. 

Well Foster, what now ? 

Fos. Mr. Tradely, sir, has called to receive 
back his securities. 

hro. Mr. Sin)pson has them. 

Sim. I left them with you when I went out 
this morning. 



44 SIMPSON &L CO. [Anon. 

Bro. True.— (Ta^cs out Simpson''s pocket- 
book.— -Mrs Bromley beholds it uith looks oj 
rage.) Here they are, Foster ; take a receipt 
for them. Here Simpson, take your pocket- 
book. Exit Foster. 

Mrs B. (snatches it from him.) His pocket- 
book ? Simpson's ? 

Bro. Yes ; and what then ? 

Mrs B. Really the book is not yonr's ? 

Bro. And what if it were ! but 'tis Simpson's, 
I tell yoii. 

Mrs B. [Running into his arms) — My dear, 
dear, dear little husband ; this is the happiest 
moment of my life. 

Mrs. Filz. [aside) 'Tis as I suspected. 

Bro . Then vou were but jesting with me after 
all. 

Mrs B. {To Mrs Fitzallan) Oh, ma'am, I 
scarcely know how to apologise to you, but the 

circumstances, I trust, will be sufficient to 

{running again to Bromley) — My poor, poor 
dear injured little Bromley. 

Bro. Zounds, but this is as much a puzzle to 
me as t'o'her. 

Sim. {Aside) I perceive the mistake, and 'tis 
all over with me. 

Mrs F. {Aside) Poor Mrs Simpson. 

Mrs B. And can you pardon me all the tor- 
ments I have inflicted on you ? 

Bro. VVhy you have laid it on pretty thick, 
my dear, that's certain ; but what has all 
tiiis war been about ? 

iVlrs. B. (Returns the pocket-book to Simpson.) 
Just let me return Mr. Simpson his property — 
'Tis an elegant little book indeed. — I commend 
your taste, sir. 



ACT II.] SIMPSON & CO. 46 

Sim. (Kmhnrrasseii) O ma'nm 'tis no- 
thing— -'tis sim{)le— -extremel}' simple. 

Mrs. B. Cert-ainly, it .eqnires a careful ex- 
amination to discover all the beautie:* it contains. 

Mrs. F. (^severely and with emphasis) Mr. 
Sinnpson has been at unwarrantable pains in 
procuring its ornanrients. 

Bro. VVell, there's no accounting for tastes ; 
but it seems to nne that there is nothing very ex- 
traordinary in a red morocco case with a gold 
clasp. 

Mrs B. My love, we must not always judge 
by the exterior. 

Bro. (^mocking her)— By the exterior! Are 
they beginning their riddles agviin ? 

Si7n. Alas! my dear friend, to me it is none ; 
I comprehend it but too well-— (fo Mrs Fitzallan) 
But to you, madam, how shall I addr<^ss my- 
self? In what terms implore your pnidon ? I 
confess that unknown to you, J dared to pro- 
cure a copy of your portrait, and my indiscre- 
tion 

Mrs. F. [Afi she fakes the book from him ■zn'Mck 
he presents.) The olience, Mr. Simpson, might 
warrant a harsher term. 

Bro. Ha ! a fu'ught strik'^s me--Allow me, 
raa'am, to ask whether or not you reside in 
Harley-street ? 

Mrs F. I do, sir. 

Bro. Mahogany door, gorgon's-head knocker, 
five steps, lamp, with reflectors, and sixty-four 
spikes in the iron railing. 

Mrs F. You have been very minute, sir, in 
your observations. 

Bro. 1 had plenty of time to tike an exact 
'^ccount. I assure you, I bavins: tw*'-- 



46 SIMPSON it CO. [Anon. 

the honour, madam, of standing sentry at youj 
door wailing for this gcnilenian, and shivering; 

in tlie wind, hke the isails in the sea song 

(To Simpson, half angry) And am I, for ever, 
sir, to be the victin of your irregularities* 
'Twas the same thing at school, ladies. If an 
orcliard was robbed, suspicion was sure tc 
light on i e ; and while Mr. Innocence, there, 
was quietly devouring the fruit, i was receiving 
the punishment. 

Mrs B. (^Taking Ins hand)-'My poor Brom- 
ley. 

Mrs f . {To iStm/Json)— So far as your indis- 
cretion affects me, sir, I pardon you — deeply 
as it might have injured . e in the opinion of 
this lady ; but unfortunately for you it yet re- 
mains 

Sim. Do not overwhelm me with the anger— 
the contempt— which my conduct nterits. — 
Your beaut> was the light that dazzled and 
misled me, yet believe me — 

Bro. Say no more, Siuipson. You may, be- 
lieve him ma'am ; and f assure you there is not 
in London a more affectionate husband---(Aai[/' 
aside) notwithstanding his aptness to be dazzled, 
as he calls it, by stray lights, 

Mrs B. But what can we say to poor Mrs. 
Simpson ? 
Sim. I will avow all to li«r ; the only explana- 
tion in the power of an offending husband is the 
confession of his error. Heavens, she comes ! 
Enter Mrs. Simpson. 

Mrs S. Well, Mr. Bromley, do you still re- 
fuse to ask pardon for your misconduct ? 

Bro. Ah .' ma'am ; matters have taken a 
strange turn since you quitted the room. 



ACT II.] SIMPSON & CO. 47 

Stm. Ah, my Anna, you are far from sus- 
pectino; who is the real offender ; it is 

Mrs F. (^eagerly) It is Captain Walsingham. 

Mrs S. (zanth astonishment) Captain Walsing- 
hain I 

Sim. (^aside") A vvomaQ for ever for helping 
one out of a scrape ! 

Mrs F. Yes, the person I mentioned to you 
this morning. It is for him the portrait was 
copied. 

Bro. And thus it is that innocent people are 
©ften made to suffer for the offences of such 
wicked wights. As for that Captain Walsing- 
ham, with whom Simpson and 1 are ^ery well 
acquainted---I have a little account with him, 
which shall be settled in private. lie shall not 
have it to say that 1 quietly took charge of this 
day's cargo of plagues and torments, which ought 
to have been consigned to him. 

Mrs S. But how came it when he was men- 
tioned this morning that you remained silent ? 

Bro. To say the truth I am not so proud of his 
acquaintance as to boast of it. A married man 

who is so easily "dazzled by stray lights" 

is not exactly the person to associate with— -Eh, 
Simpson. 

Mrs S. {to Mrs Fitzallan) But by what means 
did the portrait- 
Mrs F. (mysteriously, and in an under tone) 
Hush ! 

Mrs S. Aye—I understand, (aside) Thj>t 
poor dear Mrs. Bromley ! they make her be- 
lieve just what they please ! 

Mrs B. (aside) That dear good Mrs. Simp- 
son — did she but know 



48 SIMPSON & CO. [Anon- 

Mrs S. And now, Charles, I have a little fur- 
piise for you. Unknown to you 1 have snt for 
my portrait — accept it as the token of niy con- 
fidence and fidelity ; — It may serve as a little 
lesson to Mr. Bromley. 

Sim. {^thepJij-aJJ'ectet]) Your portrait ! — Never, 
never, shall it quit me. (^asidej And she's uncon- 
scious O, Anna, the reproaches of an 

offended woman are soon forgotten ; her sweet- 
ness, her unsuspecting love — which, alone, cun 
reclaim a wandering heart, are remembered 
for ever. 

Mrs S. (/« an under tuiie^ and looking tcrxctrdf! 
Bromley.) Be merciful, my love. 

Bro. (^taking Simpson aside) Simpson, that 
present comes just in time — there's a vacant 
place in the pocket-book. 

Sim. A little indul2:ence 

Bro. You must ask it at other hands t^an 
mine, (^brings Simpson for rvnrd^ looking cau- 
tiously, at the same lime^ at the other characters) 
Ladies and gentlemen, no doubt ywu have de- 
tected some liitle detici( ncies in my partner's 
private accounts — the firm is responsible to 
yon — we are novv w,in<iing up matters with 
you for the evening — we have done our best to 
answer your claims for amusement in full — if 
the balanf^e appears against n«, pray grant a 
little indulgence to the tirm of Simpson--an(l-" 






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